In every relationship there's always that awkward "here's your stuff back" meeting. I had that with my ex tonight. I went over there nervous and determined to set this relationship back on course...but then I was harshly reminded of why it ended.
And I left with a proud and satisfied smile on my face.
Let me give you the rundown...
The ex...let's call him "Girl Scout" or GS for short. (KLK will remember that one.) Right now, I just need to list out some grievances I had with him, since he so obviously did NOT want to listen to me talk about how he upset me...EVER.
- It was always about him: HIS friends, HIS time, HIS apartment. I would stay at HIS house and then get up and DRIVE 45 minutes to get to work at 7:30...fair? I think not. I compromised but he always came over to my place - grudgingly.
- He was sooo hard to commit to dates. Me: "Hey, let's hang out this week - what's your schedule like? I would really rather not wait until this weekend to see you." Him: "I don't know what my days are going to be like. I'll let you know." No. If you are with me and you WANT to be with me, then you will make the time to see me. Lesson numero uno that I learned from "He's Just Not That Into You" but that lesson is so much easier to see when it's in black and white print then when you're living it.
- If I got upset with some way that he treated me (most of the time, condescendingly) he would turn every grievance that I had towards him into some way that I had mistreated or not listened to him. I understand that he might not have always agreed with the way that I felt but that is never a reason to be rude to me and put me down. A little message to GS: grow up and realize that boys and girls are different for more reasons than whats in their pants. I deal with stuff differently, none of which is reason to make me feel terrible and bad about myself. You made me begin to doubt my own feelings and feel bad about being ME. Grandma would be so disappointed. And she wouldn't have liked you for it - even if you are an Aggie.
- The age difference between GS and myself? About two years calendar wise and one year in school. I am not a child. I do not deserve to be talked to like one. And no, you can't justify your actions by telling me that you're frustrated because you have to always repeat yourself to me. If you would make sense in the FIRST place, then there would be no communication problems.
- Hypocrite, hypocrite, hypocrite. Before you EVER begin talking about how self-centered I am, please...take a good LONG look in the mirror. It was always about how YOU felt and how I somehow should have changed my actions to more anticipate your ever changing needs. And on that note - you say you are a SIMPLE person? HA! A week alone in the Dr. Phil House with Dr. Phil himself couldn't get you figured out.
- Appreciate me. Don't put me down. I'm always up for a laugh at someone else's or my own expense. But there are times when I need to be validated. You wouldn't kick a dog when it's down so don't make me feel even crappier about my day then I already did. When a dog poops on the carpet and you yell at the dog - it knows what it did wrong. You don't need to rub the dog's nose in it. I am not a dog. Stop rubbing my nose in how I messed up during the day.
- You say I changed once school started. Are you seriously retarded?!? Of COURSE my personality is going to change - I went from sleeping in until 11:00 every day and the most difficult decision I made each day was which swimsuit to wear to the pool or lake. And you knocked me for not doing anything each day, but I think it's really because you were jealous. And don't remind me of the time that you said it did bother you that I was in a career path that wouldn't make much money...ever. Oh excuse me for being CONTENT with my purpose in life. I don't know what you have to prove with your fancy boat, big truck and even bigger ego - but it was all trying to cover up something you so desperately did NOT want people to see. And I have a feeling it was the personality that I witnessed. I love my job and you should have been proud of me for that.
- I got a tattoo on my hip: Passione, which is passion in Italian. It reminds me never to become what I became with you - a YES woman who tried so desperately to keep her man happy, when the truth was - you aren't man enough to recognize your own flaws. Or maybe I just didn't mean enough to you for you to try and compromise with me. And for that, I'm angry at you for letting things drag on to the point of me writing an entire blog about how there's something so WRONG with me that no one can love me. I will NEVER again allow someone to take my passion away from me. It's one of the things that I treasure the most about my Grandma and my mother and now that it's tatted on my body, I will never be without it.
I know that he's probably sitting there thinking about how I'll never change and what a controlling not-nice-person I am or whatever. I'd like to think that I think and see things pretty clearly. I would also like to think that I know myself better than he does. As do my friends.
And they all think you're not good enough for me.
And I agree.
Friday, October 26, 2007
Friday, October 19, 2007
Pound Puppy
I have decided to get a dog. After the demise of my last relationship, I have decided that I need something to love. I have a lot to give and I think that I'm good at it?! Maybe? Eh. Well, that's probably debatable.
Anyways.
I remember watching the almost straight to video "28 Days" with Sandra Bullock a long time ago. In it, she went to rehab and when she was about to be released they talked about healthy relationships. The people at rehab said that if recovering addicts shouldn't be in intimate relationships with other people for awhile after they leave. Addicts should get a houseplant and keep it alive for a year, and then, if they are successful, move on to a pet. And after a year of keeping a pet alive for a year, then they would be ready for an intimate relationship with a human.
This got me thinking.
Maybe I should get a pet and see if I can keep it alive for a year. And then maybe I'll be ready for a relationship? Who knows?
The truth of the matter is that my apartment is lonely at night and I would like something alive to snuggle up with. I think that a small dog would do the trick.
Once I decided on a dog, I got started looking on Petfinder.com for my new best friend. Scrolling through page after page of little puppies with that sad look in their eye started to get to me. In front of a coworker, I broke down in tears. I mean TEARS. The sobbing from the chest, whole body shaking, mascara smearing TEARS. My coworker responded to my cries of "Why doesn't anybody love them?" with a kind "It's not that nobody loves them, maybe they just couldn't take care of them."
It was then that I realized - I wasn't crying because of the dogs. I was crying because I felt like one OF those dogs. I feel like a puppy that no one could take care of or tame. And instead of investing the time and energy in working with the puppy, just dropped it off at the pound. I feel like the puppy that no one loved.
Is that not the most depressing thing ever?
And the funny thing is...I saw the boy on Tuesday evening at the big key exchange and you know what? NO TEARS. Our meeting was like something out of a very dramatic episode of Laguna Beach or The Hills or something. I half expected to hear an All American Rejects song or something like it playing in the background. But unfortunately, there were no cameras around and no one yelling "Cut!" It was all real life - a little TOO real. I didn't tell anyone at work that we had broken up. I think that I felt like if I didn't talk about it - it meant that it didn't really happen and it was all a dream. Thursday was the first time that I actually cried about the whole situation and I hated it for myself. I have spent too many wasted hours crying over stupid boys. But I truly had hoped that this boy wasn't going to turn out to be stupid. I really hoped that I wouldn't sabotage another relationship. And, yes, I know - it's not all my fault...but he always made me feel like it was. Like he could never do any wrong and I was always the one that was messing up. I guess, in the end, I really didn't like the condescending manner in which he spoke to me or how if he didn't feel like I should be upset about something then I was stupid or immature for being upset. I didn't expect him to always agree with my feelings, but I think that he should have at least understood that regardless of his opinion, my feelings were still valid. I feel like I'm going around and around in circles and completely losing the point.
Anyways...I'm getting a dog as soon as volleyball season is over. If it's a girl - she will be named Katie Scarlett after Scarlett O'Hara from Gone With The Wind --- my personal literary and film heroine. If it is a boy - he will be named Maverick after Tom Cruise's character in Top Gun --- my first love.
I'll keep you posted.
Anyways.
I remember watching the almost straight to video "28 Days" with Sandra Bullock a long time ago. In it, she went to rehab and when she was about to be released they talked about healthy relationships. The people at rehab said that if recovering addicts shouldn't be in intimate relationships with other people for awhile after they leave. Addicts should get a houseplant and keep it alive for a year, and then, if they are successful, move on to a pet. And after a year of keeping a pet alive for a year, then they would be ready for an intimate relationship with a human.
This got me thinking.
Maybe I should get a pet and see if I can keep it alive for a year. And then maybe I'll be ready for a relationship? Who knows?
The truth of the matter is that my apartment is lonely at night and I would like something alive to snuggle up with. I think that a small dog would do the trick.
Once I decided on a dog, I got started looking on Petfinder.com for my new best friend. Scrolling through page after page of little puppies with that sad look in their eye started to get to me. In front of a coworker, I broke down in tears. I mean TEARS. The sobbing from the chest, whole body shaking, mascara smearing TEARS. My coworker responded to my cries of "Why doesn't anybody love them?" with a kind "It's not that nobody loves them, maybe they just couldn't take care of them."
It was then that I realized - I wasn't crying because of the dogs. I was crying because I felt like one OF those dogs. I feel like a puppy that no one could take care of or tame. And instead of investing the time and energy in working with the puppy, just dropped it off at the pound. I feel like the puppy that no one loved.
Is that not the most depressing thing ever?
And the funny thing is...I saw the boy on Tuesday evening at the big key exchange and you know what? NO TEARS. Our meeting was like something out of a very dramatic episode of Laguna Beach or The Hills or something. I half expected to hear an All American Rejects song or something like it playing in the background. But unfortunately, there were no cameras around and no one yelling "Cut!" It was all real life - a little TOO real. I didn't tell anyone at work that we had broken up. I think that I felt like if I didn't talk about it - it meant that it didn't really happen and it was all a dream. Thursday was the first time that I actually cried about the whole situation and I hated it for myself. I have spent too many wasted hours crying over stupid boys. But I truly had hoped that this boy wasn't going to turn out to be stupid. I really hoped that I wouldn't sabotage another relationship. And, yes, I know - it's not all my fault...but he always made me feel like it was. Like he could never do any wrong and I was always the one that was messing up. I guess, in the end, I really didn't like the condescending manner in which he spoke to me or how if he didn't feel like I should be upset about something then I was stupid or immature for being upset. I didn't expect him to always agree with my feelings, but I think that he should have at least understood that regardless of his opinion, my feelings were still valid. I feel like I'm going around and around in circles and completely losing the point.
Anyways...I'm getting a dog as soon as volleyball season is over. If it's a girl - she will be named Katie Scarlett after Scarlett O'Hara from Gone With The Wind --- my personal literary and film heroine. If it is a boy - he will be named Maverick after Tom Cruise's character in Top Gun --- my first love.
I'll keep you posted.
Sunday, October 14, 2007
Another one bites the dust...
Against my better judgment, I got involved in a relationship at the beginning of July. It was against my better judgment for several reasons:
- My 6 months wasn't over and I wasn't sure if I was REALLY ready to get involved with someone again.
- He was my best friend's ex boyfriend from high school.
But, I forged ahead because we had such a good time together - always laughing and making fun of stuff. We went to the lake - he taught me how to wakeboard and then took me to the emergency room when I tore the muscle in my back. We watched a lot of movies and looked forward to Sunday nights because of Rock Of Love on VH1. He made me laugh and made me feel funny, smart and like a good person. He is tall, smart, athletic and funny. He has a big truck with a boat and a sense of adventure and fun.
So...why am I not with him anymore you ask?
As always - it's the attack of the three month curse. I can't seem to date anyone past 3 months. My longest relationship is a year and a half. That was in college with David. Out of all the people that I have dated, my longest, most involved relationship was also the most dysfunctional. I have dated great, nice guys (Justin and now Greg) but for some reason I can't make it work. I am really beginning to think that there is something seriously wrong with me. It's almost a joke with other people in my life. I'm tired of getting all excited about a guy only to have my hopes dashed in three months. Or maybe, it's like my friend Kate told me - every relationship goes through that re-evaluating time at 3 months in the beginning. Maybe I just haven't found someone who is worth keeping around past those three months. Maybe I haven't found someone that is worth the work to keep them past three months. But I truly thought that he could be that person. I bent over backward to try to make him happy, but for some reason I never felt like I was doing anything right. And maybe that's a sign that we shouldn't be together. Or maybe I was just trying to keep it altogether because I don't want to hear the "I told you so" from my friend. Maybe I felt like I had sacrificed so much (a 10 year long friendship) that I couldn't bear to know that I ruined that friendship for a guy that only lasted 3 months.
I really liked him. Well, I guess it's not really past tense yet - I still DO like him but I don't think it's going to work out.
I need someone to feel passionate about me. I want someone to love me like my friends and family love me. Yes, sometimes I can be a little crazy and neurotic and maybe even needy - but they look past it and see that I'm funny, smart, creative and fiercly loyal. And just love me for that. Once again, I am left with the overwhelming and devastating feeling that there is simply SO unlovable about me that I will never find true love. I want that type of love that's in the movies. I want that "Notebook" romance - I don't do anything in my life halfway and I refuse to be in a relationship where I feel that I'm being treated and felt about only halfway.
I just want to be loved, but I don't think I'll ever meet someone who is capable of loving me in the way that I feel I need to be loved.
Maybe I'll just get a dog - they provide unconditional love, right?
- My 6 months wasn't over and I wasn't sure if I was REALLY ready to get involved with someone again.
- He was my best friend's ex boyfriend from high school.
But, I forged ahead because we had such a good time together - always laughing and making fun of stuff. We went to the lake - he taught me how to wakeboard and then took me to the emergency room when I tore the muscle in my back. We watched a lot of movies and looked forward to Sunday nights because of Rock Of Love on VH1. He made me laugh and made me feel funny, smart and like a good person. He is tall, smart, athletic and funny. He has a big truck with a boat and a sense of adventure and fun.
So...why am I not with him anymore you ask?
As always - it's the attack of the three month curse. I can't seem to date anyone past 3 months. My longest relationship is a year and a half. That was in college with David. Out of all the people that I have dated, my longest, most involved relationship was also the most dysfunctional. I have dated great, nice guys (Justin and now Greg) but for some reason I can't make it work. I am really beginning to think that there is something seriously wrong with me. It's almost a joke with other people in my life. I'm tired of getting all excited about a guy only to have my hopes dashed in three months. Or maybe, it's like my friend Kate told me - every relationship goes through that re-evaluating time at 3 months in the beginning. Maybe I just haven't found someone who is worth keeping around past those three months. Maybe I haven't found someone that is worth the work to keep them past three months. But I truly thought that he could be that person. I bent over backward to try to make him happy, but for some reason I never felt like I was doing anything right. And maybe that's a sign that we shouldn't be together. Or maybe I was just trying to keep it altogether because I don't want to hear the "I told you so" from my friend. Maybe I felt like I had sacrificed so much (a 10 year long friendship) that I couldn't bear to know that I ruined that friendship for a guy that only lasted 3 months.
I really liked him. Well, I guess it's not really past tense yet - I still DO like him but I don't think it's going to work out.
I need someone to feel passionate about me. I want someone to love me like my friends and family love me. Yes, sometimes I can be a little crazy and neurotic and maybe even needy - but they look past it and see that I'm funny, smart, creative and fiercly loyal. And just love me for that. Once again, I am left with the overwhelming and devastating feeling that there is simply SO unlovable about me that I will never find true love. I want that type of love that's in the movies. I want that "Notebook" romance - I don't do anything in my life halfway and I refuse to be in a relationship where I feel that I'm being treated and felt about only halfway.
I just want to be loved, but I don't think I'll ever meet someone who is capable of loving me in the way that I feel I need to be loved.
Maybe I'll just get a dog - they provide unconditional love, right?
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
Back to school...
Summer vacation is ending and I'm gearing up for another school year. I am definitely ready to go back to school. I am so tired of not having a reason to get up before noon everyday. All in all, it was a pretty great summer.
I began vacation by a two week party binge which ended a few days before I left for Europe.
I was in Europe for two weeks which was an amazing experience and then came home and was out of commission for a week because I had a severe sinus and upper respiratory infection.
I came home and shortly thereafter began dating a great guy.
I took up a new hobby - wakeboarding.
I had two FANTASTIC birthday celebrations - one with friends and the other with my family.
I fell on the wakeboard and found myself in the emergency room and with more pain killers.
Not too shabby for three months.
I definitely am getting antsy though. I'm ready to have something to do during the day. I feel that my self-esteem has kind of gone downhill in the past week and I'm not sure why. I think it's partly because I'm frustrated with hurting my back again. It took soooo long for my back to recover last time and now I have to go through all that again. And of course, I had to hurt it right before volleyball season. I feel so lazy because all I could do for the past four days is lay in bed with a heating pad on my back, watching tv and playing tetris on my phone. Sounds great? Not so much. It got old after a couple of days. I also think that I'm just bored. I don't feel like I'm really contributing to society at the moment. I don't have anything in my life right now that I can feel I am being successful at. Don't get me wrong, I know that in general, I am successful...but at the current moment, I'm not being very successful. I am definitely procrastinating. It's sad, but I'm tired of shopping (well, right now, shopping isn't so much fun because it takes a LOT of effort to get my clothes off - because of my back, you pervs) and I'm also tired of laying out by the pool - it's way to hot for that now.
I began vacation by a two week party binge which ended a few days before I left for Europe.
I was in Europe for two weeks which was an amazing experience and then came home and was out of commission for a week because I had a severe sinus and upper respiratory infection.
I came home and shortly thereafter began dating a great guy.
I took up a new hobby - wakeboarding.
I had two FANTASTIC birthday celebrations - one with friends and the other with my family.
I fell on the wakeboard and found myself in the emergency room and with more pain killers.
Not too shabby for three months.
I definitely am getting antsy though. I'm ready to have something to do during the day. I feel that my self-esteem has kind of gone downhill in the past week and I'm not sure why. I think it's partly because I'm frustrated with hurting my back again. It took soooo long for my back to recover last time and now I have to go through all that again. And of course, I had to hurt it right before volleyball season. I feel so lazy because all I could do for the past four days is lay in bed with a heating pad on my back, watching tv and playing tetris on my phone. Sounds great? Not so much. It got old after a couple of days. I also think that I'm just bored. I don't feel like I'm really contributing to society at the moment. I don't have anything in my life right now that I can feel I am being successful at. Don't get me wrong, I know that in general, I am successful...but at the current moment, I'm not being very successful. I am definitely procrastinating. It's sad, but I'm tired of shopping (well, right now, shopping isn't so much fun because it takes a LOT of effort to get my clothes off - because of my back, you pervs) and I'm also tired of laying out by the pool - it's way to hot for that now.
Wednesday, August 8, 2007
It's Been Awhile
So....it's been awhile since I've last blogged and I think the reason is that I have actually been really happy for the past month. It's so easy to sit here and be upset or contemplative or depressed and write a whole long entry voicing my frustrations and complaints but when it comes to being happy and writing about it...it's a lot harder.
For those of you keeping score...if you guessed that my six month break would last three months - you win the prize.
At the beginning of July, I went out on a old guy friend's boat and we kind of fell into each other. He's smart, funny, attractive, ambitious and active. We have a great time together - whether it's out with friends, sitting around watching tv or at the lake. He makes me laugh. And he makes me feel good about myself (not that I need his compliments in order to boost my self esteem, but you know). He makes me want to be myself because that's the person that he's attracted to.
It all sounds so great, right?
Unfortunately, there's always a little snag and this time it's a big snag. He used to date one of my very close friends in high school and on and off after we graduated. I'm not going to get into the details of these relationships right now out of respect for my friend. But I would like her to know, if she's reading, that I'm sorry for the communication issues we had. You know that my intention was never to hurt you. I was scared to talk about him to you because I didn't want you to feel like I was rubbing in your face that we were dating. I understand that right now what you need is space, but I hope that in the future we can rebuild our friendship.
Yesterday was my birthday and I had a GREAT time. Friday, a friend of mine from high school and I celebrated our joint birthdays (his is July 28th) by going to dinner in FW and then to our reserved tables complete with bottle service at a chic bar downtown. It was a pretty great night, unfortunately because of our bill, I will NOT be buying any new school clothes. A lot of people gasped at the amount of money he and I layed down for this party....but the way I see it - this is my first real grown up party. I have worked hard for the past few years graduating college and getting a great paying job doing what I love. Why not celebrate my 24th birthday in style? It's not like I'm ever going to do this again...it's definitely not a weekly thing by any means. I felt like I was not only celebrating my 24th birthday but also the fact that I have reached a point in my life where I can look around and feel satisfied. I cleaned my apartment on my birthday - not exactly glamorous, but it needed to be done. When I was finished and I was getting ready to leave to eat dinner with my parents, brother and his crew, the boyfriend and my fairy godmother and her husband, I looked around my apartment and I was satisfied and proud. The bf and I talked about this the other night on the way home from a very successful trip to the lake for a little wakeboarding (I got outside and back inside the wake and rode the board while he did a turn with the boat!!!). I really have no reason to be upset or depressed about my situation in life. I've got a great family and equally wonderful friends. I found a relationship that I'm really excited about (and the feeling is mutual). I have a great job which provides with an ample salary to keep up a fabulous and spacious apartment, a car payment for my awesome Acura, and a closet full of clothes and shoes. What more could I really ask for?
So, as I stand at the edge of a new year of my life and a new school year....I'm satisfied and optimistic. I am feeling pretty confident that I'm going to be okay.
For those of you keeping score...if you guessed that my six month break would last three months - you win the prize.
At the beginning of July, I went out on a old guy friend's boat and we kind of fell into each other. He's smart, funny, attractive, ambitious and active. We have a great time together - whether it's out with friends, sitting around watching tv or at the lake. He makes me laugh. And he makes me feel good about myself (not that I need his compliments in order to boost my self esteem, but you know). He makes me want to be myself because that's the person that he's attracted to.
It all sounds so great, right?
Unfortunately, there's always a little snag and this time it's a big snag. He used to date one of my very close friends in high school and on and off after we graduated. I'm not going to get into the details of these relationships right now out of respect for my friend. But I would like her to know, if she's reading, that I'm sorry for the communication issues we had. You know that my intention was never to hurt you. I was scared to talk about him to you because I didn't want you to feel like I was rubbing in your face that we were dating. I understand that right now what you need is space, but I hope that in the future we can rebuild our friendship.
Yesterday was my birthday and I had a GREAT time. Friday, a friend of mine from high school and I celebrated our joint birthdays (his is July 28th) by going to dinner in FW and then to our reserved tables complete with bottle service at a chic bar downtown. It was a pretty great night, unfortunately because of our bill, I will NOT be buying any new school clothes. A lot of people gasped at the amount of money he and I layed down for this party....but the way I see it - this is my first real grown up party. I have worked hard for the past few years graduating college and getting a great paying job doing what I love. Why not celebrate my 24th birthday in style? It's not like I'm ever going to do this again...it's definitely not a weekly thing by any means. I felt like I was not only celebrating my 24th birthday but also the fact that I have reached a point in my life where I can look around and feel satisfied. I cleaned my apartment on my birthday - not exactly glamorous, but it needed to be done. When I was finished and I was getting ready to leave to eat dinner with my parents, brother and his crew, the boyfriend and my fairy godmother and her husband, I looked around my apartment and I was satisfied and proud. The bf and I talked about this the other night on the way home from a very successful trip to the lake for a little wakeboarding (I got outside and back inside the wake and rode the board while he did a turn with the boat!!!). I really have no reason to be upset or depressed about my situation in life. I've got a great family and equally wonderful friends. I found a relationship that I'm really excited about (and the feeling is mutual). I have a great job which provides with an ample salary to keep up a fabulous and spacious apartment, a car payment for my awesome Acura, and a closet full of clothes and shoes. What more could I really ask for?
So, as I stand at the edge of a new year of my life and a new school year....I'm satisfied and optimistic. I am feeling pretty confident that I'm going to be okay.
Monday, July 2, 2007
Crossroads
I had lunch with my brother today and the conversation fell upon an interesting topic.
What I want out of life.
Do I want to settle down right now, or am I enjoying having boy toys?
Ugh...that's a tough one. Of course, it's nice to have a man around to hang out with, to lean on and to spoon with. But at the same time, in order for that to happen...you have to be in a serious relationship with him, right? Or else, it just gets weird and complicated. I have a brothel of men in my life right now that are simply friends...I think. Some of them might have other intentions, but I'm pretending not to have knowledge of those intentions. I enjoy spending time with each of them - drinking, playing video games, going out to eat and shopping. I'm sure that I if I pursued any one of them actively, I could form somewhat of a relationship...but then, I'd be potentially losing a good drinking or shopping buddy. My relationships with men right now are, for the most part, uncomplicated and easy, requiring little emotional effort on my part.
Do I want to get married?
Yeah, probably. But marriage is so...final. I just don't see myself as someone's wife. And I know for sure that I don't want all the hullabaloo that goes along with getting married. We'll see.
Do I want to have kids?
Even more than the wife thing...I know I don't see myself as someone's mother. Not right now, and I don't know if ever.
The thing is...there are so many different paths that my life could still take. Do I want to have a quiet life in the suburbs, driving an SUV and raising my kids? I feel that I would get so utterly bored and disconnected from what makes me happy in life. I'm sure that I could put on the happy face and pretend like I enjoyed the way my life had turned out, but I would bet that on my 40th birthday, I would collapse into tears because I hadn't lived my life the way I wanted. That I had somehow given up on all the personal goals and boundaries that I had set and wanted in my twenties...
So, on the other hand, do I want to have that fast paced, jet setting lifestyle in the big city? As glamorous as a Dallas high rise, BMW's, posh restaurants, and vacations in Tahiti sound...would I eventually become alienated from the type of person that my parents raised me to be? Would I get so obsessed with money, success and keeping up appearances that I would forget to form a lasting relationship with the important people in my life?
I think the bottom line is that I need to figure out the type of person and lifestyle I want to be and to have in ten years. And right now, I don't think that I'm in a place where I want to think that far ahead. I am completely infatuated with the way that my life is running right now. I have a great group of different friends that I can chill at the lake with, or I can party in Uptown with. I am getting to live every different type of possible lifestyle that I could ever want or need. I guess eventually, I will figure out what I want for my future and when I've done that, I will look for someone who has a similar vision.
What I want out of life.
Do I want to settle down right now, or am I enjoying having boy toys?
Ugh...that's a tough one. Of course, it's nice to have a man around to hang out with, to lean on and to spoon with. But at the same time, in order for that to happen...you have to be in a serious relationship with him, right? Or else, it just gets weird and complicated. I have a brothel of men in my life right now that are simply friends...I think. Some of them might have other intentions, but I'm pretending not to have knowledge of those intentions. I enjoy spending time with each of them - drinking, playing video games, going out to eat and shopping. I'm sure that I if I pursued any one of them actively, I could form somewhat of a relationship...but then, I'd be potentially losing a good drinking or shopping buddy. My relationships with men right now are, for the most part, uncomplicated and easy, requiring little emotional effort on my part.
Do I want to get married?
Yeah, probably. But marriage is so...final. I just don't see myself as someone's wife. And I know for sure that I don't want all the hullabaloo that goes along with getting married. We'll see.
Do I want to have kids?
Even more than the wife thing...I know I don't see myself as someone's mother. Not right now, and I don't know if ever.
The thing is...there are so many different paths that my life could still take. Do I want to have a quiet life in the suburbs, driving an SUV and raising my kids? I feel that I would get so utterly bored and disconnected from what makes me happy in life. I'm sure that I could put on the happy face and pretend like I enjoyed the way my life had turned out, but I would bet that on my 40th birthday, I would collapse into tears because I hadn't lived my life the way I wanted. That I had somehow given up on all the personal goals and boundaries that I had set and wanted in my twenties...
So, on the other hand, do I want to have that fast paced, jet setting lifestyle in the big city? As glamorous as a Dallas high rise, BMW's, posh restaurants, and vacations in Tahiti sound...would I eventually become alienated from the type of person that my parents raised me to be? Would I get so obsessed with money, success and keeping up appearances that I would forget to form a lasting relationship with the important people in my life?
I think the bottom line is that I need to figure out the type of person and lifestyle I want to be and to have in ten years. And right now, I don't think that I'm in a place where I want to think that far ahead. I am completely infatuated with the way that my life is running right now. I have a great group of different friends that I can chill at the lake with, or I can party in Uptown with. I am getting to live every different type of possible lifestyle that I could ever want or need. I guess eventually, I will figure out what I want for my future and when I've done that, I will look for someone who has a similar vision.
Fiddle-dee-dee
For some reason, one of my favorite memories from when I was a little girl is being at home alone with my mom, watching Gone With The Wind while she cleaned the house. Even then, there was something about Scarlett O'Hara that simply mesmorized me. At the beginning of the summer, I decided to embark on a rather ambitious task for someone who Cliff Noted her way through high school and college literature classes - I was going to read ALL of Gone With The Wind. Luckily, I had several hours stuck on airplanes to and from Europe to aid me in my quest.
I was pleasantly surprised to find that the book is not only fairly easy to read, but much of the original dialogue from the book was used in the big screen version. More than a relaxing and enjoyable read, I have found that I truly relate to Scarlett. There is something about her that I relate to and strive to be. Obviously, I do not plan on marrying a much older gentleman in the hopes of saving my family's plantation from the greedy hands of the carpetbaggers and scallawags...but there are some other similarities.
Scarlett learns at an early age that there are certain protocols that women of her generation must follow and strictly adhere to. Although she easily adopts the mannerisms which allow her to capture the heart of every beau in the county, there is something empty about the entire process to her. She views her world with skeptic eyes...never quite understanding the reasoning behind certain archaic traditions and eventually arriving at a stage in her life where she blatantly fouts all convention in order to save herself and Tara from poverty. I love her determination and the ferocity with which she attacks her situation in life. There's something about a heroine in a book that refuses to give up or act a certain way just because of what people think she should do that I relate to. And unfortunately, I definitely understand the act of playing the part in order to get men to do things for you. A shy, but genuine smile and the right tone of voice can get you far in life, as I have discovered. I also love how Rhett completely strikes through her "southern belle" facade and respects and loves her for defying the norm.
I only wish that she didn't spend her life wasting her efforts on that waif Ashley.
Now, if only I can find my own Rhett Butler...
I was pleasantly surprised to find that the book is not only fairly easy to read, but much of the original dialogue from the book was used in the big screen version. More than a relaxing and enjoyable read, I have found that I truly relate to Scarlett. There is something about her that I relate to and strive to be. Obviously, I do not plan on marrying a much older gentleman in the hopes of saving my family's plantation from the greedy hands of the carpetbaggers and scallawags...but there are some other similarities.
Scarlett learns at an early age that there are certain protocols that women of her generation must follow and strictly adhere to. Although she easily adopts the mannerisms which allow her to capture the heart of every beau in the county, there is something empty about the entire process to her. She views her world with skeptic eyes...never quite understanding the reasoning behind certain archaic traditions and eventually arriving at a stage in her life where she blatantly fouts all convention in order to save herself and Tara from poverty. I love her determination and the ferocity with which she attacks her situation in life. There's something about a heroine in a book that refuses to give up or act a certain way just because of what people think she should do that I relate to. And unfortunately, I definitely understand the act of playing the part in order to get men to do things for you. A shy, but genuine smile and the right tone of voice can get you far in life, as I have discovered. I also love how Rhett completely strikes through her "southern belle" facade and respects and loves her for defying the norm.
I only wish that she didn't spend her life wasting her efforts on that waif Ashley.
Now, if only I can find my own Rhett Butler...
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