Wasted Energy

I've spent my life wasting energy on being angry. Angry at the kids who tormented me for being tall in elementary school, angry at my mother for not being what I thought I wanted her to be in middle school, angry at God for making me the way I am, angry at the superficial girls in my sorority for making me feel less than them because I didn't have the right clothes, boyfriend or car, angry at David for leaving my life in such shambles, angry at so many guys for tossing me aside.....but mostly, I've always been angry at myself for everything I am and everything that I'm not.

I have spent a lot of time moving forward along in life, but yet at the same time, looking back at events in my life and how they have created the person I am today. Retrospection can be a good thing - learning from past mistakes, such as bad haircuts, too much alcohol on an empty somach and not studying for tests. But blaming the way I am on things that have happenend in my past? I can't blame my insecurities on other people any more.

I've been angry at myself for not being "perfect." For not always knowing exactly what to say, when to say it and how to deliver it without stepping on any toes. For not always looking perfectly put together. For not having this adult life totally figured out. For not keeping everyone around me happy with me. An entire doctorate thesis could probably be writeen on my self-anger. But what has it led to? At certain points in my life it has shown itself in the form of self destructive behaviors like drinking excessively. At others it surfaced as devastating anxiety attacks. Most recently it was a deep and debilitating bout with eating disorders. Were any of these healthy? Obviously not. So therefore, one could logically conclude that the self-anger isn't working out for me anymore. Well, it was never really working out for me, but it has definitely taken a turn for the worse recently.

It's time for a new life plan - a mental adjustment you might say.

I can't be angry at myself for any of those things anymore. The only thing that I can be angry about is that I haven't noticed this sooner, which is again - counterproductive.

I've doubted myself every step of the way - was I wearing the right clothes, did I say the right thing, am I making the right choice? I always looked to other people for the answers because I never trusted myself enought to come to the right conclusion. And, if things didn't work out the way they were supposed to, I didn't have to take any of the blame - I could just pass the buck on to someone else's poor decision making. But why shouldn't I trust myself? Look at my parents - they are responsible, well adjusted adults. They have provided me with more than enough tools to become a functioning adult on my own. But more than a functioning adult (anyone can pay the bills on time) but an acutal functioning human that learns to adequately cope with day to day events.

Life is short. At the end of a person's life, they don't look back and regret not staying angry at themselves or other people for longer amounts of time.

This anger takes up so much of my time and energy. And it's pushing people away.

I remember the moment when I woke up one morning and I was tired of being angry at David. I realized that he wasn't a part of my life anymore and therefore blaming him for me having a crappy Tuesday afternoon wasn't working. I refused to give him anymore power over my feelings.

Therefore, today I am refusing to give the power to that little voice inside my head that tells me I'm not good enough because I'm not perfect. I was made exactly the way God intended me to be.

I must come to reconcile the fact that I'm going to make mistakes. People will get angry with me. I will have to deal with the consequenes of bad decision making. I can't go through life desperately trying to tip toe around anything and everything that might cause me failure. In my head, I always was of the notion that failure wasn't an option. Growing up as an athlete, it was a phrase ingrained into my head. Of course failure isn't an option, because if it was, everyone would obviously choose success. Failure is an inevitbale event. It will happen in my life and I can't keep avoiding situations in which I could possibly fail. If I do that, nothing exceptional will ever happen. I will never have the life I truly want; more importantly, I will never have the love that I desire.

I have been so decided determine din my life not to screw up in relationships, that I think I actually end up being my own worst enemy because I lose who I am by turning myself into a pretzel trying to be the "perfect" girlfriend. And now I think I might have someone in my life who sees me not through rose-colored glasses, but with a clear view of who I am and what I'm about. And my own insecurities are getting in the way of allowing him to love me in his own unique manner. As much as I realize that I'm not perfect, nor will I ever be, I must come to the logical conclusion that he is not perfect either, nor should I expect him to be. He will make me mad sometimes. And I will most certainly piss him off as well. Is this the end of the world? It shouldn't be. I should have the confidence that I'm a pretty spectacular person and even though he might not want to be around me because of his frustration, that in no certain terms mean that he's throwing me away. I guess I have to trust him and trust his feelings for me. But at the same time, that pesky self-anger issue sneaks up again. In retrospect, I look at how I behaved and I agree with him - he should be angry at me, which in turn makes me angry at myself for my actions. Then the evil self-deprecating cycle begins and before you know it, I am in a very bad and dark place.

So what's a girl to do? How exactly does on banish that nasty little voice in her head? Grab an old priest and a young priest and hope one doesn't end up head first down the stairs? I think the voice will respond best a big fat dose of "SHUT THE HELL UP."