I had lunch with my brother today and the conversation fell upon an interesting topic.
What I want out of life.
Do I want to settle down right now, or am I enjoying having boy toys?
Ugh...that's a tough one. Of course, it's nice to have a man around to hang out with, to lean on and to spoon with. But at the same time, in order for that to happen...you have to be in a serious relationship with him, right? Or else, it just gets weird and complicated. I have a brothel of men in my life right now that are simply friends...I think. Some of them might have other intentions, but I'm pretending not to have knowledge of those intentions. I enjoy spending time with each of them - drinking, playing video games, going out to eat and shopping. I'm sure that I if I pursued any one of them actively, I could form somewhat of a relationship...but then, I'd be potentially losing a good drinking or shopping buddy. My relationships with men right now are, for the most part, uncomplicated and easy, requiring little emotional effort on my part.
Do I want to get married?
Yeah, probably. But marriage is so...final. I just don't see myself as someone's wife. And I know for sure that I don't want all the hullabaloo that goes along with getting married. We'll see.
Do I want to have kids?
Even more than the wife thing...I know I don't see myself as someone's mother. Not right now, and I don't know if ever.
The thing is...there are so many different paths that my life could still take. Do I want to have a quiet life in the suburbs, driving an SUV and raising my kids? I feel that I would get so utterly bored and disconnected from what makes me happy in life. I'm sure that I could put on the happy face and pretend like I enjoyed the way my life had turned out, but I would bet that on my 40th birthday, I would collapse into tears because I hadn't lived my life the way I wanted. That I had somehow given up on all the personal goals and boundaries that I had set and wanted in my twenties...
So, on the other hand, do I want to have that fast paced, jet setting lifestyle in the big city? As glamorous as a Dallas high rise, BMW's, posh restaurants, and vacations in Tahiti sound...would I eventually become alienated from the type of person that my parents raised me to be? Would I get so obsessed with money, success and keeping up appearances that I would forget to form a lasting relationship with the important people in my life?
I think the bottom line is that I need to figure out the type of person and lifestyle I want to be and to have in ten years. And right now, I don't think that I'm in a place where I want to think that far ahead. I am completely infatuated with the way that my life is running right now. I have a great group of different friends that I can chill at the lake with, or I can party in Uptown with. I am getting to live every different type of possible lifestyle that I could ever want or need. I guess eventually, I will figure out what I want for my future and when I've done that, I will look for someone who has a similar vision.
Monday, July 2, 2007
Fiddle-dee-dee
For some reason, one of my favorite memories from when I was a little girl is being at home alone with my mom, watching Gone With The Wind while she cleaned the house. Even then, there was something about Scarlett O'Hara that simply mesmorized me. At the beginning of the summer, I decided to embark on a rather ambitious task for someone who Cliff Noted her way through high school and college literature classes - I was going to read ALL of Gone With The Wind. Luckily, I had several hours stuck on airplanes to and from Europe to aid me in my quest.
I was pleasantly surprised to find that the book is not only fairly easy to read, but much of the original dialogue from the book was used in the big screen version. More than a relaxing and enjoyable read, I have found that I truly relate to Scarlett. There is something about her that I relate to and strive to be. Obviously, I do not plan on marrying a much older gentleman in the hopes of saving my family's plantation from the greedy hands of the carpetbaggers and scallawags...but there are some other similarities.
Scarlett learns at an early age that there are certain protocols that women of her generation must follow and strictly adhere to. Although she easily adopts the mannerisms which allow her to capture the heart of every beau in the county, there is something empty about the entire process to her. She views her world with skeptic eyes...never quite understanding the reasoning behind certain archaic traditions and eventually arriving at a stage in her life where she blatantly fouts all convention in order to save herself and Tara from poverty. I love her determination and the ferocity with which she attacks her situation in life. There's something about a heroine in a book that refuses to give up or act a certain way just because of what people think she should do that I relate to. And unfortunately, I definitely understand the act of playing the part in order to get men to do things for you. A shy, but genuine smile and the right tone of voice can get you far in life, as I have discovered. I also love how Rhett completely strikes through her "southern belle" facade and respects and loves her for defying the norm.
I only wish that she didn't spend her life wasting her efforts on that waif Ashley.
Now, if only I can find my own Rhett Butler...
I was pleasantly surprised to find that the book is not only fairly easy to read, but much of the original dialogue from the book was used in the big screen version. More than a relaxing and enjoyable read, I have found that I truly relate to Scarlett. There is something about her that I relate to and strive to be. Obviously, I do not plan on marrying a much older gentleman in the hopes of saving my family's plantation from the greedy hands of the carpetbaggers and scallawags...but there are some other similarities.
Scarlett learns at an early age that there are certain protocols that women of her generation must follow and strictly adhere to. Although she easily adopts the mannerisms which allow her to capture the heart of every beau in the county, there is something empty about the entire process to her. She views her world with skeptic eyes...never quite understanding the reasoning behind certain archaic traditions and eventually arriving at a stage in her life where she blatantly fouts all convention in order to save herself and Tara from poverty. I love her determination and the ferocity with which she attacks her situation in life. There's something about a heroine in a book that refuses to give up or act a certain way just because of what people think she should do that I relate to. And unfortunately, I definitely understand the act of playing the part in order to get men to do things for you. A shy, but genuine smile and the right tone of voice can get you far in life, as I have discovered. I also love how Rhett completely strikes through her "southern belle" facade and respects and loves her for defying the norm.
I only wish that she didn't spend her life wasting her efforts on that waif Ashley.
Now, if only I can find my own Rhett Butler...
Saturday, June 23, 2007
I'm back!
Ugh...jet lag sucks.
Alright - here's the rundown on my trip to Europe. This is obviously a shortened version - there are some stories that can only be told in person because they are HILARIOUS.
Amsterdam:
- Saw the Anne Frank House, Van Gogh museum and the Heineken brewery.
- The Dutch men are BEAUTIFUL: tall, slim, great hair and high cheek bones. Sigh.
- Overnight train to Munich: met some other backpackers and sat up til 1 in the morning discussing American foreign politics and other such intellectual topics with them and two old German guys in the dining car.
Munich:
- Went to Dachau Concentration Camp on an incredibly beautiful day. It was insane to think that such disgusting and despicable events were carried out on the same rocks that I walked across. I found out that it is mandated by Germany that all German high school students tour a concentration camp. It was a very surreal experience.
- Went on a bike tour of the city with Mike's Bike Tours. Jumped in a freezing cold river in the middle of Englischer Gardens and then hung out with some guys we met on the tour at a couple of beer gardens. Beer came in LITER glasses. Yum.
Berlin:
- Walked along the East Wall Gallery of the Berlin Wall and went to the Checkpoint Charlie museum.
- Went on another bike tour with Fat Tire Bike Tours and saw the entire city. Most of the city is relatively modern because of the destruction wreaked on the city at the end of World War II.
- Went on a pub crawl with the Fat Tire guys. They took us to an Irish pub and I walked in and the song that was playing? David Hasselhoff's Looking for Freedom, which, ironically enough, was the song that he sang on top of the remains of the Berlin Wall on New Year's Eve in 1989. Those Germans - they LOVE the Hoff. We also went to this AWESOME bar in the former Communist East Berlin. It was five stories of concrete slab with all the walls spray painted. It really made me feel like I was in an illegal and underground bar in East Berlin in the early 1980s. It was so cool.
London:
- I traveled around London mostly by myself because Kristin was working, but I found that I really enjoyed being completely independent in a city that I had never been to.
- Toured Westminster Abbey, walked by the Parliament buildings and Buckingham Palace.
- Toured the Tower of London and St. Paul's Cathedral.
- On Tuesday night, when Kristin had a BP gala that I couldn't go to so I went and saw Les Miserables in the Soho Theater district. It was AMAZING. Definitely the highlight of London for me. I saw it when I was very young and I loved it...I had chills and tears in my eyes the entire time.
There is so much more to tell, but I'm too tired to write it all right now.
The main thing that I came away with from this trip is that I am okay on my own. When Kristin was at her conference, I toured the city and I would get hungry. And I had to sit at a cafe and eat all by myself. Strangely enough, I actually found it very relaxing and comforting. At the end of the trip, I told Kristin this: "I don't know what's waiting for me at home. I don't know what will happen in my love life, but I do know that no matter what, I'll be okay. I'm alright all on my own."
It was a pretty amazing trip. But I am VERY happy to be home. I cried when the plane touched down at DFW. But then again, I cried when the plane took off to London when I left. I cried a lot during the trip. But in a good way.
Alright - here's the rundown on my trip to Europe. This is obviously a shortened version - there are some stories that can only be told in person because they are HILARIOUS.
Amsterdam:
- Saw the Anne Frank House, Van Gogh museum and the Heineken brewery.
- The Dutch men are BEAUTIFUL: tall, slim, great hair and high cheek bones. Sigh.
- Overnight train to Munich: met some other backpackers and sat up til 1 in the morning discussing American foreign politics and other such intellectual topics with them and two old German guys in the dining car.
Munich:
- Went to Dachau Concentration Camp on an incredibly beautiful day. It was insane to think that such disgusting and despicable events were carried out on the same rocks that I walked across. I found out that it is mandated by Germany that all German high school students tour a concentration camp. It was a very surreal experience.
- Went on a bike tour of the city with Mike's Bike Tours. Jumped in a freezing cold river in the middle of Englischer Gardens and then hung out with some guys we met on the tour at a couple of beer gardens. Beer came in LITER glasses. Yum.
Berlin:
- Walked along the East Wall Gallery of the Berlin Wall and went to the Checkpoint Charlie museum.
- Went on another bike tour with Fat Tire Bike Tours and saw the entire city. Most of the city is relatively modern because of the destruction wreaked on the city at the end of World War II.
- Went on a pub crawl with the Fat Tire guys. They took us to an Irish pub and I walked in and the song that was playing? David Hasselhoff's Looking for Freedom, which, ironically enough, was the song that he sang on top of the remains of the Berlin Wall on New Year's Eve in 1989. Those Germans - they LOVE the Hoff. We also went to this AWESOME bar in the former Communist East Berlin. It was five stories of concrete slab with all the walls spray painted. It really made me feel like I was in an illegal and underground bar in East Berlin in the early 1980s. It was so cool.
London:
- I traveled around London mostly by myself because Kristin was working, but I found that I really enjoyed being completely independent in a city that I had never been to.
- Toured Westminster Abbey, walked by the Parliament buildings and Buckingham Palace.
- Toured the Tower of London and St. Paul's Cathedral.
- On Tuesday night, when Kristin had a BP gala that I couldn't go to so I went and saw Les Miserables in the Soho Theater district. It was AMAZING. Definitely the highlight of London for me. I saw it when I was very young and I loved it...I had chills and tears in my eyes the entire time.
There is so much more to tell, but I'm too tired to write it all right now.
The main thing that I came away with from this trip is that I am okay on my own. When Kristin was at her conference, I toured the city and I would get hungry. And I had to sit at a cafe and eat all by myself. Strangely enough, I actually found it very relaxing and comforting. At the end of the trip, I told Kristin this: "I don't know what's waiting for me at home. I don't know what will happen in my love life, but I do know that no matter what, I'll be okay. I'm alright all on my own."
It was a pretty amazing trip. But I am VERY happy to be home. I cried when the plane touched down at DFW. But then again, I cried when the plane took off to London when I left. I cried a lot during the trip. But in a good way.
Saturday, June 9, 2007
I'm Leaving on a Jet Plane...
but I do know when I'll be back again.
I'm leaving this afternoon for Europe and I'll be back on June 21st. If I get a chance to sit down at a computer while in Europe, I will try to update this blog. If I can't...then I'll give you all the details when I get home!
Love you all!
I'm leaving this afternoon for Europe and I'll be back on June 21st. If I get a chance to sit down at a computer while in Europe, I will try to update this blog. If I can't...then I'll give you all the details when I get home!
Love you all!
Friday, June 1, 2007
The Cheese's Least Wanted
Since I graduated college, I have been forming a little list in my head of people NOT to date. This list includes...
- Fraternity boys, or college guys in general
- Waiters
- Guys that never went to college, or didn't finish
- Anyone under 6'2, which limits my possibilities, but it is important to me
And now I can add another one to the list: BARTENDERS
Yes, yes, I know - this should be a given. But...I like to learn through experience.
Hot bartenders are like animals in the zoo - they're fun to look at and to flirt with, and in my case - a necessity for life, but ultimately, they need to stay in their cage, aka behind the bar.
- Fraternity boys, or college guys in general
- Waiters
- Guys that never went to college, or didn't finish
- Anyone under 6'2, which limits my possibilities, but it is important to me
And now I can add another one to the list: BARTENDERS
Yes, yes, I know - this should be a given. But...I like to learn through experience.
Hot bartenders are like animals in the zoo - they're fun to look at and to flirt with, and in my case - a necessity for life, but ultimately, they need to stay in their cage, aka behind the bar.
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
Wild Child
I have a good friend named Kristin, who I am going to be traveling through Europe with in about 10 days. Kristin and I were raised in similar families: upper middle class, happily married parents, strong foundation in community and church, etc. We both felt enormous pressure to be the "perfect" girls. The ones who people looked at and said: "what a fantastic young lady." And being a "fantastic young lady" never felt like it included being a "normal" teenager. It meant never drinking, never staying out past our curfew, never sneaking out of the house...all of which meant never having any fun to Kristin and myself.
Kristin and I figured out our own little manipulative ways of keeping up appearances to our parents, to the community and to the school that we were still perfect little angels that never did anything wrong. As could be expected, it didn't last forever and after one forgettable St. Patrick's Day during my junior year of high school, the halo slipped off, I fell from the pedestal, I was grounded for a month, and my actions were monitored much closer from then until high school graduation day. I won't go into the details, but in the words of myself at 16 - it sucked.
That curbed any rebellion for awhile. But after graduation...all bets were off. It started with our parents being out of town and continued for about three and a half years into college. Maybe it was a sign of deeper issues, or just the freedom of being able to stretch out my wings, but I went wild in college. I joined a sorority which practically shoved a drink in your hand the minute you rushed.
I was hung over on my first ever day of college. Please keep in mind that this was an 8:00 class on a Monday morning.
I enjoyed the drinking and the partying. I enjoyed looking cute, going out with a big group of girls and that feeling of having an entire night full of interesting possibilities. Who would we meet? What drama would unfold, which we would always rehash the next morning? Would that cute guy from the party call? (PS - he never ever called) How would the girls in our rival sororities drunkenly embarrass themselves, for which we would revel in the idea that we a superior, classier group of women? Neverminding the fact that it had, in fact, been us the week before making complete fools of ourselves on the back patio of RBar in front of a group of ZTAs or KKGs.
I was NOT, by far, the hardest drinker of the bunch. Those girls were weeded out quickly by the end of freshman year. They just drifted away...and none of their "sisters" ever cared to find out what happened to them, or to even worry about their drinking problem in the first place. But I had my moments when I would somehow find myself waking up on the bathroom floor, wondering how I had gotten home. I am completely ashamed to admit this to you, whether you are my friends, my family or my coworkers.
And through all the insanity, the post flag football drinks at State Club, the pre partying before and after Date Parties, and the pre partying before RBar and then to the frat houses after RBar...I somehow kept my grades up. It was like, if I was doing well in school...then there wasn't a problem.
If I met the 19 year old version of myself right now out at a party...I wouldn't like her. I would see her as a stupid, young, brat who had no idea of the manner in which she was presenting herself. I still see girls like this at the bar and they absolutely disgust me.
So...when did it all stop? When did I grow up?
Well, up until my junior year of college (I was still 20) drinking had been fun. Luckily, I had survived the first few years of college drinking without a ticket, an arrest, or being physically/mentally/emotionally damaged in any way. Drinking was fun - it was something to do at the end of the week...I had never truly experienced the darkest depths of what drinking could do to someone.
Then I met him. I met and fell in love with an alcoholic that made me so terrified of drinking. I saw the effects that it had on him and I tried my damnest to stay sober - someone in the relationship had to be. He literally scared me straight.
But, I think he's been given more than enough discussion in this blog already.
And you're probably asking yourself: What does all this have to do with anything?
Since graduating college, I have been living in two completely separate worlds and it is getting exhausting being two people.
Half of me is a teacher - a person who is respected in the community, someone who has a huge responsibility to be a role model to impressionable teenagers.
The other half of me is still that wild party girl from college. I'm only 23 - just because I graduated college doesn't mean that I'm going to lay down and die.
Maybe it all comes back to that point of I always saw my own teachers on this pedestal, and I think that I have to live up to this impossible ideal of who I should be, and how I should live my life.
I tried to play the part of the good girl, but my heart was never truly in it. I wanted to stay out all night. I wanted to be a party girl. I wanted anything that was drastically different from what my parents thought was right.
That curbed any rebellion for awhile. But after graduation...all bets were off. It started with our parents being out of town and continued for about three and a half years into college. Maybe it was a sign of deeper issues, or just the freedom of being able to stretch out my wings, but I went wild in college. I joined a sorority which practically shoved a drink in your hand the minute you rushed.
I was hung over on my first ever day of college. Please keep in mind that this was an 8:00 class on a Monday morning.
I enjoyed the drinking and the partying. I enjoyed looking cute, going out with a big group of girls and that feeling of having an entire night full of interesting possibilities. Who would we meet? What drama would unfold, which we would always rehash the next morning? Would that cute guy from the party call? (PS - he never ever called) How would the girls in our rival sororities drunkenly embarrass themselves, for which we would revel in the idea that we a superior, classier group of women? Neverminding the fact that it had, in fact, been us the week before making complete fools of ourselves on the back patio of RBar in front of a group of ZTAs or KKGs.
I was NOT, by far, the hardest drinker of the bunch. Those girls were weeded out quickly by the end of freshman year. They just drifted away...and none of their "sisters" ever cared to find out what happened to them, or to even worry about their drinking problem in the first place. But I had my moments when I would somehow find myself waking up on the bathroom floor, wondering how I had gotten home. I am completely ashamed to admit this to you, whether you are my friends, my family or my coworkers.
And through all the insanity, the post flag football drinks at State Club, the pre partying before and after Date Parties, and the pre partying before RBar and then to the frat houses after RBar...I somehow kept my grades up. It was like, if I was doing well in school...then there wasn't a problem.
If I met the 19 year old version of myself right now out at a party...I wouldn't like her. I would see her as a stupid, young, brat who had no idea of the manner in which she was presenting herself. I still see girls like this at the bar and they absolutely disgust me.
So...when did it all stop? When did I grow up?
Well, up until my junior year of college (I was still 20) drinking had been fun. Luckily, I had survived the first few years of college drinking without a ticket, an arrest, or being physically/mentally/emotionally damaged in any way. Drinking was fun - it was something to do at the end of the week...I had never truly experienced the darkest depths of what drinking could do to someone.
Then I met him. I met and fell in love with an alcoholic that made me so terrified of drinking. I saw the effects that it had on him and I tried my damnest to stay sober - someone in the relationship had to be. He literally scared me straight.
But, I think he's been given more than enough discussion in this blog already.
And you're probably asking yourself: What does all this have to do with anything?
Since graduating college, I have been living in two completely separate worlds and it is getting exhausting being two people.
Half of me is a teacher - a person who is respected in the community, someone who has a huge responsibility to be a role model to impressionable teenagers.
The other half of me is still that wild party girl from college. I'm only 23 - just because I graduated college doesn't mean that I'm going to lay down and die.
Maybe it all comes back to that point of I always saw my own teachers on this pedestal, and I think that I have to live up to this impossible ideal of who I should be, and how I should live my life.
Monday, May 28, 2007
Random
I made a mistake yesterday. I took a nap around 5:00 and therefore had an incredibly difficult time falling asleep, which is probably why I heard the unmistakable sound of my cell phone notifying me of an incoming text message. Please keep in mind that it's about 1:45 in the AM. I'm thinking that it's just one of my friends whose a little drunk wanting to tell me that they love me. You know how it goes.
Not so much.
This is the text that I received:
"What u doing i think i m getting married"
It was from the dreaded David. You know - emotionally retarded, alchoholic, cokehead, abusive...YAY! I love hearing from him at two in the morning. It takes me back to those wonderful nights when he would show up at my apartment drunk at two or three in the morning, banging on the window, demanding for me to let him in so that he could completely berate me and leave me in a panic attack.
Let me relay the text conversation for you.
DP: What u doing i think i m getting married
LC: Please leave me alone
DP: U called me last i was rude sorry just being nice wondering wat u up 2
* I had called him a few weeks ago asking him to STOP GIVING MY PHONE NUMBER TO THE CREDITING AGENCIES that were looking for him.
LC: Trying to sleep
DP: Sorry good night!
LC: Thank you. I will say a prayer for you "wife" because she will need it
* Tacky, I know...but I had to get it in there somehow. I do not wish him upon ANY woman.
DP: No i need it, as of now i m walking out
LC: Arent we a little old for drama at two in the morning?
DP: I m trin 2 be friends
And I'm out at this point. Dunzo. Turned my phone on silent, shook my head and went to sleep. Should I have even responded to his first text? Probably not. But, sadly, whenever I think about him, or hear from him, or see his picture, I still have some anger towards him. I still want him to hurt as badly as I did when we were together. I want him to know what it felt like for me to be curled in a corner of my bathroom, sobbing, after he told me that "Even if I put a ring on a girl's finger, it doesn't mean it will be forever. My fraternity brothers will be there forever." Ouch. And at the time that he said this, we had been together for a year and a half already.
Oh. And I found out later that he was drunk and high on cocaine at the time. And at work. Can you say WINNER?
Not so much.
This is the text that I received:
"What u doing i think i m getting married"
It was from the dreaded David. You know - emotionally retarded, alchoholic, cokehead, abusive...YAY! I love hearing from him at two in the morning. It takes me back to those wonderful nights when he would show up at my apartment drunk at two or three in the morning, banging on the window, demanding for me to let him in so that he could completely berate me and leave me in a panic attack.
Let me relay the text conversation for you.
DP: What u doing i think i m getting married
LC: Please leave me alone
DP: U called me last i was rude sorry just being nice wondering wat u up 2
* I had called him a few weeks ago asking him to STOP GIVING MY PHONE NUMBER TO THE CREDITING AGENCIES that were looking for him.
LC: Trying to sleep
DP: Sorry good night!
LC: Thank you. I will say a prayer for you "wife" because she will need it
* Tacky, I know...but I had to get it in there somehow. I do not wish him upon ANY woman.
DP: No i need it, as of now i m walking out
LC: Arent we a little old for drama at two in the morning?
DP: I m trin 2 be friends
And I'm out at this point. Dunzo. Turned my phone on silent, shook my head and went to sleep. Should I have even responded to his first text? Probably not. But, sadly, whenever I think about him, or hear from him, or see his picture, I still have some anger towards him. I still want him to hurt as badly as I did when we were together. I want him to know what it felt like for me to be curled in a corner of my bathroom, sobbing, after he told me that "Even if I put a ring on a girl's finger, it doesn't mean it will be forever. My fraternity brothers will be there forever." Ouch. And at the time that he said this, we had been together for a year and a half already.
Oh. And I found out later that he was drunk and high on cocaine at the time. And at work. Can you say WINNER?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)