Crossroads

I had lunch with my brother today and the conversation fell upon an interesting topic.

What I want out of life.

Do I want to settle down right now, or am I enjoying having boy toys?
Ugh...that's a tough one. Of course, it's nice to have a man around to hang out with, to lean on and to spoon with. But at the same time, in order for that to happen...you have to be in a serious relationship with him, right? Or else, it just gets weird and complicated. I have a brothel of men in my life right now that are simply friends...I think. Some of them might have other intentions, but I'm pretending not to have knowledge of those intentions. I enjoy spending time with each of them - drinking, playing video games, going out to eat and shopping. I'm sure that I if I pursued any one of them actively, I could form somewhat of a relationship...but then, I'd be potentially losing a good drinking or shopping buddy. My relationships with men right now are, for the most part, uncomplicated and easy, requiring little emotional effort on my part.

Do I want to get married?
Yeah, probably. But marriage is so...final. I just don't see myself as someone's wife. And I know for sure that I don't want all the hullabaloo that goes along with getting married. We'll see.

Do I want to have kids?
Even more than the wife thing...I know I don't see myself as someone's mother. Not right now, and I don't know if ever.

The thing is...there are so many different paths that my life could still take. Do I want to have a quiet life in the suburbs, driving an SUV and raising my kids? I feel that I would get so utterly bored and disconnected from what makes me happy in life. I'm sure that I could put on the happy face and pretend like I enjoyed the way my life had turned out, but I would bet that on my 40th birthday, I would collapse into tears because I hadn't lived my life the way I wanted. That I had somehow given up on all the personal goals and boundaries that I had set and wanted in my twenties...

So, on the other hand, do I want to have that fast paced, jet setting lifestyle in the big city? As glamorous as a Dallas high rise, BMW's, posh restaurants, and vacations in Tahiti sound...would I eventually become alienated from the type of person that my parents raised me to be? Would I get so obsessed with money, success and keeping up appearances that I would forget to form a lasting relationship with the important people in my life?

I think the bottom line is that I need to figure out the type of person and lifestyle I want to be and to have in ten years. And right now, I don't think that I'm in a place where I want to think that far ahead. I am completely infatuated with the way that my life is running right now. I have a great group of different friends that I can chill at the lake with, or I can party in Uptown with. I am getting to live every different type of possible lifestyle that I could ever want or need. I guess eventually, I will figure out what I want for my future and when I've done that, I will look for someone who has a similar vision.

Fiddle-dee-dee

For some reason, one of my favorite memories from when I was a little girl is being at home alone with my mom, watching Gone With The Wind while she cleaned the house. Even then, there was something about Scarlett O'Hara that simply mesmorized me. At the beginning of the summer, I decided to embark on a rather ambitious task for someone who Cliff Noted her way through high school and college literature classes - I was going to read ALL of Gone With The Wind. Luckily, I had several hours stuck on airplanes to and from Europe to aid me in my quest.

I was pleasantly surprised to find that the book is not only fairly easy to read, but much of the original dialogue from the book was used in the big screen version. More than a relaxing and enjoyable read, I have found that I truly relate to Scarlett. There is something about her that I relate to and strive to be. Obviously, I do not plan on marrying a much older gentleman in the hopes of saving my family's plantation from the greedy hands of the carpetbaggers and scallawags...but there are some other similarities.

Scarlett learns at an early age that there are certain protocols that women of her generation must follow and strictly adhere to. Although she easily adopts the mannerisms which allow her to capture the heart of every beau in the county, there is something empty about the entire process to her. She views her world with skeptic eyes...never quite understanding the reasoning behind certain archaic traditions and eventually arriving at a stage in her life where she blatantly fouts all convention in order to save herself and Tara from poverty. I love her determination and the ferocity with which she attacks her situation in life. There's something about a heroine in a book that refuses to give up or act a certain way just because of what people think she should do that I relate to. And unfortunately, I definitely understand the act of playing the part in order to get men to do things for you. A shy, but genuine smile and the right tone of voice can get you far in life, as I have discovered. I also love how Rhett completely strikes through her "southern belle" facade and respects and loves her for defying the norm.

I only wish that she didn't spend her life wasting her efforts on that waif Ashley.

Now, if only I can find my own Rhett Butler...